Friday, 27 September 2013

10 Reasons I Can't Get Married

If you are an Indian girl of marriageable age (anywhere between 18 to 30 - because of course after 30 only an ogre would marry you) you will understand the purpose of this post. I love my family (at most times) and despite their most decidedly all-up-in-my-business-attitude I've learned to overlook the annoying and embrace the awesome (because in their own way, each one of them is, without fail, awesome!).

Having said that, this post is my polite way of conveying to all of them, that I am currently NOT ready to give up all earthly desires and live a life of constant misery and oppression just yet. And don't worry, if don't heed the polite, remember I have a flair for the dramatic, I'm the family drama queen and black sheep all rolled into one!

But that doesn't take away from the parents, they are after all a few steps ahead. The result of this is, that in my family 'no' is Parent Patented. What do I mean by that? Follow the conversation below:

Me: Mum can I go out for a party at my friends.
Mum: No
Me: Mum can I go out for dinner with some friends from DPS?
Mum: No
Me: Mum can I...
Mum: No
Mum: are you ready to meet boys (because let's be real at 24 there aren't too many men around) to get married?
Me: ummm.. ahh.. the thing is... no.
Mum: Alright then be ready to go to the Gurudwara tomorrow to see a prospective groom.
Me: O_O (all bug eyed)

Having now ranted sufficiently enough. Welcome to my list of "10 Reasons I Can't Get Married". Please feel free to use any or all of these reasons on your own parents should they suit the circumstances, or if you need an excuse to get your parents to kick you out.

Number 1: I'm 24. If you don't get what I mean, read that again, I'M ONLY TWENTY-BLOODY-FOUR!!!! I am not nearly standing on the doors of Spinsterhood yet. Just because I love dogs, that does not mean, I'm going to end up happy and alone with 50 dogs, simply because I don't think I'm quite as lucky. So give me a couple of years, or a couple of couple of years, hell just give me a decade, and I promise I'll either find someone or get you to find me someone.

Number 2: I know you think the only thing I have going for me in life is that I'm young enough for someone to want to marry me, because of course my run of the mill mouth and scintillating good looks may have me on your hands from AD to ADD, but I have news for you, the gazillion of Rupees that you have been saving since the doctor said "Congrats it's ANOTHER Girl!" I'm sure will be enough to bribe some poor lost soul into spending his life with me. So there problem solved! People are bribable at all ages, and I promise next to the money nobody will care if I'm 24 or 42.

Number 3: I'm not mature enough to club the inner bitch from opening her mouth and saying something grossly inappropriate, just yet. So basically I will be a mother-in-laws worst nightmare, and I really won't wish someone with verbal diarrhea (Copyright PVN) on any poor mum-in-law.

Number 4: I'm still young enough to at the least kid myself into believing I can find a husband myself (although buying a new Toothbrush gives me nightmares-have you seen the variety out there??). The problem is my belief is like a little kids belief in Santa Claus, if you take it away too soon, you risk scarring me for life. So let's make a pact let me keep my belief and I'll forget all about that time in 4th grade, when you  made me spend an entire night in school for Christmas! (I don't care that it was a sleepover or that I begged you. I'm a communications person, and I'll spin it so hard, people will think you are worse than those parents from Criminal Minds who burnt their kids alive!)

Number 5: I am one of those very very VERY few Indian girls who doesn't know a spoon from a ladle and my culinary skills do not extend beyond making Maggi and Chai. Like if the fate of the world depended on my cooking skills, we'd all be being eaten by pigs right now. So if you can find a man who can live on Maggi and Chai, bring it on. Till death do us part indeed!

Number 6: I remember when the last Harry Potter Book came out, I spend 3 days and nights reading. I didn't sleep (yup me and my trusty flashlight came so close), I did not eat (which if you know me if a really big deal, I'm the kind of person whose eulogy will say "She spoke really fast and she loved Food"), I did not pay any attention in class, and I did absolutely nothing else. Nada. Zilch. Zip. Find me a man who is ok with me turning into a Zombie every time I open a new book and I'll consider it.

Number 7: I'm not prepared to accept defeat, no matter how much anybody denies it. Howard Roark is NOT just a fictional character, and I will not rest until I find him! Then I'll marry him, and we can be miserable together. P.S. if you don't know who Howard Roark is, I have six words for you, "I don't believe you! The Fountainhead".

Number 8: What if I marry Mr. Moderately-Right only for Mr. Right to show up? If you aren't ok with me having an extra marital affair you really should let me wait for him. For your sake and mine.

Number 9: This is not a game of bowling. Just because I'm the last pin left, doesn't mean its your moral duty to knock me down. Just because I'm the youngest and it's been a while that you had a party, doesn't -under any circumstances- mean that you have to sacrifice me at the alter of matrimony to do it. Hell let's throw a "The New Season of Glee is Starting" Bash! We can sing, we can dance, we can wear weird itchy outfits, I swear you wont even realize its not a wedding!

Number 10: Jokes apart, I want to very politely inform you that I am NOT ready to get married right now. I love you, and if you bring this up again, I'll sweety remind you that the average marriageable age in Japan is 35, and I will insist on finding myself a Japanese man. I love you and all, but who I choose to marry is my business. I promise to take your words of wisdom on board but at the end of the day, I am more than your child. I'm a thinking, opinionated, high functioning (ok moderately functioning) human being. The decision of who to spend my life with or without will be mine, I promise to make sure you are happy with the decision, but the decision, nonetheless, will be MINE.

Photo Credits: Alma Wedding Photography